#586 – The Trench Hash

No speako da Lingo

I told him already!” Rugburns’ words were ringing through the bus, carrying a discernably insulted note. Not only once, but three times. Well, StrapOn only wanted to make sure that co-pilot and co-hare Rugburns had instructed the driver properly. Obviously there was nothing to worry about. Or was there? A mere 100m down the road the driver took the wrong turn. “He didn’t understand my Chinese!” came the excuse, now muttered in a much lower voice.

We were en route to Bi Cun north of Huangpu. To our utter surprise even Doggy Style had shown up. Hadn’t she pulled out of haring today’s run virtually at the last minute on excuse of some ‘urgent business trip’ to Shanghai? “I just came back.” Demands to see the air ticket were ignored with a broad smile. Even returnee Rick had managed to make it, after having already done a hair (or hare?) care commercial that morning. So watch out for him in the coming weeks.

Off the bus in Bi Cun many hashers made immediate use of the public toilet. Caveman grabbed this opportunity to qualify for the Horny Lama Memorial Award, taking a dive when leaving the facility. (By the way, what has happened to once hasher Slippery When Wet?)

 

Trench Chivalry

The weather was just perfect, the only day of sunshine in an otherwise dreary week of gray and rain. Most of the trail led through lovely, slightly hilly terrain with a lot of potential for further exploration. Soon the hills echoed with the shouts of the hashing crowd. But what was that?  “Bad trail”???  (Squat)  and

Where are you?”??? (Dick Magnet). Looks like some hashers are in dire need of hash vocabulary training.

45 minutes into the run blind front runners Minicock & Co. missed a clearly marked branch in the trail and gave the rest of the field the chance to catch up. From there on the trail let first through a fine example of Chinese waste land and then over a stretch of fallow rice paddies riddled with a net of half-overgrown trenches that turned the run into a hurdles event. Doggy Style, who isn’t exactly blessed with the long legs of Caveman or Spiderman had serious problems and developed a severe case of trenchphobia. Luckily the strong arms of StrapOn (always preying on such kind of opportunity) saved her from repeated falls. Only by negligence on the side of his co-RA he escaped the compulsory chivalry-on-the-hash down-down.

Also seen on the run was newcomer Laurence sporting a pretentious shirt spelling out “Leader”. Didn’t see him among the front-runners, though. And Shithead obviously thought his only chance in avoiding the Shiggy Award was to cut off a good 15 minutes of run together with ‘Cam-Puss’ Anita. (Is this one of those webcam porn things?) Unfortunately it was a bit too obvious since they were homing in coming from the wrong direction.

 

Cream & Balls

The circle was held at a nice tree-shaded spot near the village pond, attended by a crowd of US and Canadian flag waving kids. (someone should tell the manufacturer about the upside-down maple leaf). Hares StrapOn and Platterpuss, notorious for short runs, were so pleased having finally managed to set a trail exceeding one hour (1 hr. and 3 minutes to be precise) that they actually forgot to honor co-hare Christina.

Doggy Style who received her share of down-downs seemed to have recovered from her trench-hopping ordeal with the help of laughing gas, since her giggling rarely took a break.

StrapOn revealed that on occasion of previous night’s BCC X-mas party he had discovered anti-aging cream in Shit- head’s bathroom. The more interesting question however is, what was StrapOn doing in there? As well-informed sour- ces reported he was not alone. Maybe all didn’t go too well in there. Because today he was wearing an instructive shirt placating the simple message “hand” and “ball”, supported for the illiterate by pictograms.

 

Pussy Galore

On a fashion note Commie-Kaze was wearing Japanese bondage pants and Minicock was presenting another towel from his toon collection. After last week’s Hello-Kitty-you-are-insulting-my-eye-in- pink it was the Power Rangers’ turn.

Very annoying was the private baby cat hugging party organized on the sidelines by the girlie section. Nothing against fondling a pussy, but come on girls, I’m sure that cat was under 14.

On a similar note Michel who had graced the hash with his presence during the past weeks earned himself the Chinese hash name Fu Lian Zhu Ren, which translates into ‘Women’s community supervisor’. Now we know why he had always preferred the walks in the company of our charming harriettes to the challenge of the runs.

To make good for today’s screw-up Doggy Style really really promised to hare next week’s run. Let’s wait and see. I’m taking bets. What will it be this time? Beijing, Timbuktu,…?

On On   Caveman

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