#587 & 588 – The Provincial Swinery Hashes

HARE RAISING NIGHTMARES

On one of the most picture-perfect Guangzhou Saturdays in recent foggy memory, intrepid hashers gathered in our usual watering hole for what promised to be a true adventure with a trail marked by veteran hare Shithead (formerly Shiggy) and a contingent of lovely young (?) harriettes – Mountain Beaver and Doggystyle.

In a true GZH3 SNAFU* it turned out that NONE of our hares ended up being able to do their assigned duties for some reason or another and we had to count on the ever gracious Spiderman and Dickmagnet to save the hour by volunteering to lead us into the hinterland. Special mention should go to Rugburns the hare raiser for ASSuming & prematurely telling Mountain Beaver that the hash would be live and that she “needn’t worry about being a hare….some stupid bastard will take up your slack”.  Surprisingly enough, Doggystyle flaked out yet again but wasn’t at a “meeting” in Shanghai.

SNAFU=Situation Normal, All Fucked Up

 

ON UP…AND UP….AND UP

Somehow Providence (and DMPI & Spiderman) gave us runners a run and climb to remember (I know Shiggy, you’re a Hasher, not a runner) up what was later dubbed Mount Mother (for the amount of times “motherfu*$#*@%er” could be heard uttered from the mouths of babes). It was a good hour and ten minutes of crystal clear sightseeing on mountain ridges and about forty five minutes longer than any hash Shiggy could have possibly set.

 

LOSE FOCUS AND YOU’RE FU#%*ED!!

It was previously thought Spiderman was one of the more fit bastards in our little group but after hearing DMPI rant & rave about how he ran up the entire 90 degree hill and Spiderman walked a good majority of it, we stand corrected. (for the record: DMPI: “Spiderman walked up the Hill”. Response from SM “And DMPI ran right behind me”)

Interestingly enough, just after the peak and in a particularly precarious gully , one group of runners veered left into the bushes whilst Burning Spears, StrapOn and Platterpuss followed FOUR flour marks into what was looking to be a drop into uncharted, heavy bush (something these three are no strangers to) when lo and behold the voice of one of the hares was heard BEHIND us saying “not that way fellas…go to the left. I’ll stay here and steer everyone the right way.” Chivalry…

 

 

Sensing he’d lost the pack to a bad case of hare-ing, Spiderman thought he’d at least give us something to go on by yelling “on

down!” to get us back on track in the right direction.

Only problem was that Black Widow and her acute sense of hearing thought it was a local manure farmer yelling these words (an evil villager prank, perhaps?) because she’d never heard such obvious direction-giving by a hare before.

 

PUSSY AU JUICE?

In the circle located in the vicinity of the ever popular Guangdong Provincial Swinery, it was revealed through accusation by Powerpuss that the girl who STOLE the little pussy from its rightful owners in the village we hashed in the week before decided it was too much of an obligation to take care of and therefore gave it to the nearest Cantonese Feline Eatery in Guangzhou. Good thing she’s not a mother, huh? Or do we really know whether she was or not??

There were three newcumers to our family representing the peaceful and non strife ridden part of the world known as Ireland. The Brits on this hash were nowhere to be found when these three came up. Perhaps cowering under the bus…

Skidmarks was given a healthy down-down for pushing Adidas products to select runners as a taste of great things that could be had in the future if you’re willing to pay for it. This time it’s free kid, but next time….

Unfortunately his woman was sporting a pair of Reeboks….

Anita, always looking for somebody to look up to picked Yan Can Suck as her new Idol: She wants to be like her. We wonder why? Swearing, smoking? No, she wants to have this steep running learning curve, from being exhausted after 2 minutes to be able to run a half marathon. Well, lets see.

Shiggy was almost awarded the new “Pussy Sniffer” award. We held  3 seconds of silence for our lost friends, Phone Sex and Shit Hat, who finally mad it back after 1 ½ hours. Last week he came prematurely with Anita and rumors proved that Doggy Style helped him back once as well. No wonder, this man is so attractive. He is the only one in skin tight t-shirts, which shows that he is well off: He would be able to feed a family of 10. Well, he at least got the Shiggy award for coming together with Phone Sex, last.


Run 588

 

Wednesday night. Sportsman. 9 people show up at for a mid week HASH. Baiyun Mountain. And a Andidas high quality bus (the one with the star – you know, the brand preferred by all corrupt Cantonese officials bearing white number plates) takes us to the entrance. After a 3 second warm up we run up the hill. Steep, Steep….After 17 minutes and 225 meters altitude (according to Strap On’s always dead on watch) we reached the cable car end station. But up we go even further.

 Skid Marks, obviously bored and not challenged enough, came back looking for the slow ones and to show us the way as the sweeping hare. And we went on down…. And than up up up again. Frustrating enough, as of sudden, Commi Kaze, far behind, steamed by to Catch up with Skid Marks. How frustrating for the males. Ben and Platter Puss slightly ahead of a Obersturmfueher, decided to start Chemical Warfare. Every 2 steps one fart & a burp. Strap On experienced his first coronary seizure (whereupon he gave serious consideration to cutting down to 5 packs a day) and gave up at 350m above Sea-Level with a loud “I’m done!” in the dark part of the road without lights.

 

BLUES AND SWINGIN’ LOW

After arriving at Sportsmans (thanks to Rug Burn, who did not give the driver any directions) to conclude the official hash with a genuine circle, we came upon Muddy Waters Smith, AKA Mr Clean bearing his soul and sharing his pain with the Sportsmans “crowd” on Blues Night. In the circle was newcummer Sunny from Adidas (she and Skidmarks got down-downs for flagrant advertising on the hash –of course) and Sportsmans new p/t Aussie Red Fuzzbumper manager from Sydney. No one escaped from multiple down downs (including Yan Can Suck, who also promised during the run give up smoking and had smoked 3 fags already b4 the Circle started) and we give a hearty Danke to Caveman for generously providing the gratis Tsingdao!! The circle was abbreviatedly closed with the Swing Low song starting from humming and closing with a strong “with feeling”!

 

Platterpuss + Strap On

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