GZ Double Whopper
What’s the difference between the 600th GZH3 run and Black Widow? The 600th run comes only once. Especially when it is packaged as a double whopper with the official farewell hash for some of GZH3’s finest: Black Widow, Spiderman and Shiggy. Thanks to the proximity to the CNY holidays and a healthy dose of mismanagement thrown in for good measure, the originally planned hash away trip had mutated into a weekend in town. Nevertheless, a weekend with all the trimmings and a program to truly go down into hash lore and stand its ground against such memorable hash trips as Zhapo or Nankunshan. So, if you missed it, hang your head in shame and sorrow. But hey, don’t shoot yourself now. Read on and share some of the excitement. (If you’re a walker, please feel free to shoot yourself afterwards.)
Fri Night Pub Crawl
The celebrations commenced on Fri night with a pub-crawl starting from ‘1920 Café’. The event had even drawn a couple of out-of-towners including 2-year returnee Scarface from Switzerland and Colin from Bangkok. Even Bugle Boy had received a one-night-only leave permit from his wife to participate. As a proof of true mismanagement nobody had given it a thought how much money to collect for the run or how to pay for the drinks en route. So the Hash Cash had to take things into his own hands. He got so excited about the money collection after two weeks of vacation he almost poked out Phone Sex’s eye.
Finally, the walkers trotted off, while the runners had to wait for StrapOn’s driver who was to transport the bags. Shiggy had also brought his car, because he needed to haul a kilo of flour and 3 sticks of chalk. A bit disappointing was that none of the celebrities was joining the runners. Nor was Dick Magnet, who claimed he felt a bit indisposed. My bet is he was rather a bit exhausted with the General back in town. The hares Shiggy, StrapOn &
Platterpuss had chosen an enjoyable trail – marked by little chalk arrows - mostly through small alleyways avoiding the big roads. Every 5-10 minutes saw a beer stop, usually at your typical Cantonese xiao mai bu. It somehow turned out perfectly that the runners met up with the walkers at every stop. Although sometimes Shiggy didn’t even seem to have enough time to roll a fag.
At the third stop we started the down downs. Among others the new shoe down down for G-Spot, Skidmarks and Max stood out in that it posed some difficulties to keep beer inside a mesh fabric shoe. Must be the new Adidas model ‘Down Down Avoider 2002’. The running didn’t get easier either with each new beer stop, but we finally made it to our 6th and last stop at the ‘African Bar’, where we upped the ante from bottles to jars. Finally, around half past 10 we moved over to ‘Café Elle’s’ to party on and further upgrade from jars to kegs. A thanks to Jean for the free Snacks. But what the hell was that mushy filling in those crepes?
And by the way, G-Spot: If you ever want to become a true hasher: It’s “On On” shouted at the top of your voice (best into some unsuspecting by-passer’s ear – ask Platterpuss for instructions) and not a “There’s an arrow” whispered in a voice that you usually buy your condoms with.
Where’s my Shirt?
Saturday afternoon. The big event was about to start. For some this already felt like the hangover hash. Since Caveman was late as usual, Room Service had already started to collect the cash. “It’s 100RMB including the BBQ and a shirt. But you won’t get the shirt.” Come again? Yeah, another big fuck-up by the mismanagement. Surprisingly it had turned out that the factories actually don’t work during CNY and so Platterpuss was running a wee bit behind the schedule with the T-shirt production. Not to mention the non-existing caps which Yan Can Suck had taken the responsibility to organize. So if you want your paid-for shirt come and see us at the 666th run
(¯ Running with the devil….¯).
The first down-down of the day was earned by Tall Muffy pulling up at the curb in a chauffeured sedan. Not enough with that, the driver even had to open the door for Her Poshness.
Logistics proved a bit sketchy, since an unknown number of people had to be picked up at various points en route down to Panyu. All in all, a record crowd of 59 turned up including 15 months returnees Eye Spider and Dr. Steroid. And amazingly we managed to fit most of them into one bus.
Rambos & Whimps
Today’s trail was truly worthy of the magnitude of the event. It consisted of two legs. The first leg was leading from behind Clifford Estate in a loop via G.I. hill to the entrance of Clifford Es- tate, where the bus was stationed for a water stop. The second leg ran from there to Pigeon Creek. The total stretch – 2.1/2 to 3 hours – was for the Rambo runners. The whimps would only do the second leg – a good hour. A record number of 7 hares were involved: Spiderman, Dick Magnet P.I. and Colin hared the Rambo runners, Black Widow and Lena the whimps and Scarface took care of the walkers.
At 15.30 the Rambos took off. The trail was excellent and the dream of every masochist. The hares had spared no detour to include every possible incline in the vicinity. Marking was impeccable until we entered Clifford Estate. From there on to the bus, you would have to rely on your instincts to find your way. Good that No Pulse was wearing his brand new GPS system (I think StrapOn has to upgrade now). Faceplant also didn’t seem too happy with the markings since he added some of his own, using bits and pieces of his breakfast.
The crowd control left a bit to be desired. As Black Widow always says: “A good hare keeps the group together.” That was obviously the last thing on Spiderman’s mind today. After a good half hour we had reached the inevitable top of G.I. hill. That would have been a perfect spot for a hash halt, especially on a long run like today. But the leading hare stormed on without mercy and thus we lost contact with the
girlie rearguard Rugburns, Kara and Yan Can Suck. Doggystyle, who seemed a bit ‘outchallenged’ had to be rescued later on by the sweeping hare D.M.P.I. Meanwhile Eye Spider and Shag’s on where caught trail-wetting. Although Eye Spider claimed he was doing only his patriotic duty, with all the signs warning of Fire Hazard in the forest and it not having rained for a couple of days….
The front-running Rambos reached the water stop after about 90 minutes and didn’t waste much time there before running on. Another opportunity for a hash halt wasted. Consequently, Opee and Caveman who reached the bus about 10 minutes later were on their own to find the second leg trail. Meanwhile our half-marathon hotshots Platterpuss, StrapOn & ASC Scheisse (sounds like an Italian soccer team) called it quits. Said Platterpuss: “I don’t have to prove anything!” Yeah, I almost got out my harmonica and played ‘Old man river’.
Anyway, the hills kept on coming on the second leg, though the running got actually easier once you were beyond the pain. A nice little extra was the half mile running on the expressway, definitely appealing to any suicidal lunatic. If you hadn’t got yourself killed falling down the knife-edged steep and uneven stairs of G.I. hill, here was an- other chance. Fittingly the trail entered a graveyard right afterwards. Of course one of those built in the mountain side with loads of steps. Mr. Clean was really happy he could do them twice thanks to Niplovitch.
Fuck off you Wanks!
Around 19.00h, 10 minutes from the end, the last two Rambo runners Opee and Caveman were picked up by car by the sweeping hare. The circle had just started and Caveman was immediately bestowed with the Shiggy Award.
Broad room was given to the farewell of Spiderman, Black Widow & Shiggy, clad in custom-made shirts (it’s amazing what you can do with a marker pen), eulogized and heaped with presents, thanks to StrapOn’s open account with a certain pervert’s supply store in Prin- ce’s Building. Shiggy was presented with a Hawaiian shirt that might have fit him in his high-school days and a condom-shaped hat. The reasoning for the hat eluded me but it looked definitely an improvement. Black Widow, having once confessed her fancy for small black cocks, received an aptly shaped chocolate thingy that, alas, was already in the state of disintegration. It
obviously wasn’t an M&M product (“Melts in your mouth not in your hand!”). This was topped with a French tickler glove to keep the new Swiss chalet clean in the absence of affordable third world housemaids. Last but not least Spiderman got a pair of elephant trunk panties and an Oscar-copy trophy for his merits as a GM. Adorned with his own statement “You will not find a better GM!”
“The GM is dead, long live the GM”
After that Nick (a fake Liverpudlian) and Scheisse who had been spotted sitting during the run were given the opportunity to repeat this transgression in the circle on ice. They were later joined by Pussysniffer and No Pulse for sitting during the circle.
Then a couple of contenders vied for the coveted Elsa Klench Fashion Award: Big Top: for sporting long jeans and a cassock during the run without breaking a sweat; Jimmy: for nonchalantly mixing opposing patterns; Mr. Clean for being the coolest guy on the hash and not even taking his shades off in the middle of the night; Snow White: for her imaginative black-on-black outfit and last but not least Rambo: because she’s always in there. In the end I don’t think we had a clear winner.
Now came one of the highlights of the evening: the official handover of power from Spiderman to the new GM Dick Magnet P.I. The end of an era, and the dawn of new age. (Since the bastard will probably never move out of China how can we ever get rid of him?) “The GM is dead, long live the GM!” cheered the crowd.
The new GM immediately seized power and performed two hash baptisms: Jimmy was named Sao Hai, Cantonese for ‘Stupid Guy’ and reflecting the graceful and refined manner in which he and D.M.P.I. usually address each other. Kara, who has recently taken on a position in the marketing of a certain well-known GZ city magazine was subsequently dubbed Clueless.
What else? Mr. Clean, Krusty, Echo, Clueless & Scarface did a new shoes down down. We had a siblings’ down down (Christina & Annie as well as Spiderman, Colin & Opee) and a silly- insect-hash-names down down (Spiderman again, Black Widow and Eye Spider), although I must insist that arachnids aren’t insects.
After ample warning had been issued to Christina and Annie not to go to the loo this time when the circle was about to close, we got everybody on the bus and left for the BBQ at casa D.M.P.I. around 20.30h.
The barbie was excellent. A big thanks to D.M.P.I. and Pussysniffer. Dick Magnet’s fear of running out of beer proved unfounded and around 23.00h the bus left to town to party on. But many people were so wasted they went straight home to hit the sack. Some others who at that time were getting “ready to rumble” were reported beating a hasty retreat only half an hour later.
Quotes of the day:
“I don’t want to drink beer today” (Faceplant).
“I am an artist, not a logistics manager!” (Platterpuss)
Rubber Legs & Rubber Toys
The Sunday hangover run was sche- duled for 11.30h. But nobody took the timing very serious today and ASC Scheisse even had to be called out of bed first. Finally by 12.30h a 14 strong crowd had gathered, auspiciously missing the new GM and one of the three celebs: Shiggy. Out of the 14 a whole 5 did the run from Sportsman’s to the south-western entrance of Baiyun Mt. were they met up with the walkers. Rambos StrapOn, Opee and Scheisse obviously had not run enough yesterday as they decided to add an extra loop through the park.
The circle did its best to finish the 166 left-over beers from the night before but didn’t get very far. Especially as we didn’t want to pose too bad an example for Bugle Boy’s attending kids. He will have enough trouble on his hands already explaining to his wife the history of Scheisse’s name, which Yan Can Suck was so nice as to hint to her, and answer their questions as to the purpose of the vibrating rubber cu- cumber that Strapon presented to Black Widow. We ended the hash with a nice and greasy brunch at Sportsman’s.
At last a special thanks to Horny Lama who wrote the special farewell edition of the Hash Trash that most of you have signed.
On On Caveman