#603 – The Harassing Hash

Hash Harassment

Saturday morning 8.30h: The beeping of my phone wakes me up. Through the haze I read an SMS from Mountain Beaver: “We’ve been here, where are you?” What? I’m in my bed trying to catch some sleep. 8.55h: same noise, different question this time “Sorry, is there any false trails for walkers?” For Christ’s sake! It turns out that ASC Scheisse hasn’t turned up and Mountain Beaver and Minicock seem to be getting a bit into deep water.

14.00h at the Hash den: people are still pouring in. At the end the tally stands at 42. Not a bad turnout. Among them CommieKaze and Flicky Micky who appear all sweaty and worked up. Having had a little Saturday morning romp? On top of that there’s the usual fan crowd to see us off: Everready, Slippery When Wet, Platterpuss, just to name a few. Seems that the leaving of the hash bus turns into a bit of a tourist attraction like the change of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

 

Waiting for Goudot

14.50h: Squat has just discovered that France has a rugby team, when the bus stops at the entrance to a Panyu housing estate. After hectic telephone conferencing with Mountain Beaver, StrapOn and D.M.P.I. this is supposed to be the spot where we pick up Rosy. Or isn’t it? 10 minutes tick by. The crowd gets unruly. If this was the H.M.S. Bounty, this would be the time to sit Strap- On and the Beaver in a Dinghi with a calabash of water and some taxi money and sail on. But alas, the patience one has to muster with our compatriots of the female variety. Finally, madam appears. Well, after last night at Elle’s it is somehow a miracle that she made it at all.

 

Oh no, not again!

15.15h: The bus approaches a toll bar. The hash cash turns pale. En- trance fees for 42 people? That could easily set us back 3 boxes of beer. But it’s only 8 kwai for the whole busload. Hey, who says, there are no more good deals to be had in China?

15:20h: This hash site looks very familiar. Said Mountain Beaver this morning: “I think we have been here once or twice.” Yeah, last week! I only hope they didn’t trail up that f%#^ing G.I. hill again. But no need for that. There are enough other hills around.

15.30h: Praise the Lord! Miracles do happen. Shiggy is running in front! And on his last GZ hash (this time really!) he has actually found the trail! Mr. Bean, CommieKaze and Scheisse express their deepest bewilderment that they pass Shiggy more than once. Caveman and D.M.P.I. solve the problem by short- cutting.

 

Where’s the House?

15.40h: There are actually too many hills here. And they all look the same. The hares have lost it. The trail. Where is it? Minicock alternates between scratching his head and scurrying about like the Tasmanian Devil. O-tone Mountain Beaver: “There was a small house here that looked like a factory.” Five minutes later we are finally back on track. One hill further down the line. After the demise of the hash horn Yan Can Suck is rallying the troops with a whistle. Do we now rename her Hash Blow or Yan Can Blow?

15.55h: Lorenz, Caveman, Doggy Style and an anonymous Chinese

squatter are spotted sitting on the run. The two first mentioned will later enjoy shock-freezing their testicles to a block of ice while Doggy style struggles to finish her down down.

16.05h: Lorenz is caught helping some female hashers going down.. ….the slope, that is.

16.10h: We hit dog central. “Just walk slowly, then nothing will happen” assures us the farmer (or his he dog rancher?) This is the stuff that nightmares are made of for Doggy Style, Wu Hong and Crystal.

16.20h: The bus comes into sight. StrapOn and Mr. Bean cannot be beaten by a woman and muster their last reserves to overtake CommieKaze in a final sprint.

 

Circle up!

We relax and enjoy the luxury of the nearby lavatory. Well, at least we got something in return for the 8 kwai. What’s that? Someone spray-painted our vessels black? No it’s just a population of flies that seem to be attracted by the blue of our bed-pans. Either that or Pussysniffer stores them too close to the bog.

15.30h: Let the games begin. Only the RA is not ready yet. Still work- ing on his notes. Finally the last walkers arrive: Rick and Lorenz with 4 chicks in tow. 2:4, not a bad ratio. They receive a summary Shiggy Award.

Rug Burns is cited forward for her Q&A performance in the latest is- sue of That’s GZ. Not only did she clearly miss the point on a couple of questions, she also confessed that Larry Ellison is her big hero. We thought that was Skidmarks!?

 

Holy Moment

And now another holy moment.

What had been painstakingly deli- berated for days, in countless mismanagement meetings, taking all the pros and cons into careful consideration, at the bar counter of the Cave, with the input of a few good friends from Finland, was finally taking shape: the investiture of a new Vice GM: StrapOn I. May he do a good job, work on his accent and speed things up a little bit.

Then we have the married-but- single-on-the-hash down down. Excuses: “I ate my spouse after sex” (Black Widow), “She is looking after the small beans” (Mr. Bean) and “No excuse” (Squat).

Very annoying is the private party going on on the sidelines between Eddie, Windy and Ann over the entire length of the circle. They are cited three times, but despite the additional alcohol intake Eddie doesn’t seem to make any headway. “My God, why don’t you just ask her for her phone number?” (D.M.P.I.) In the end Eddie has lost it completely engaging in a beer fight with the new Vice GM and cajoling through the circle on a bicycle.

 

Me Again?

What does Rosy say, every time she is called up for a down down? “Me again?” Right. And we found that would make a great hash name, too. “So, by the powers invested me…” (O-tone StrapOn). Ann, fol- lowing the slogan sported on her t-shirt above a something that resembles either a two-dotted green ass- hole or a kiss-mouthed Martian smiley, is named ‘I Will’ and Penny is made into ‘Moneypenny’.

Then we have a series of fashion related issues. StrapOn calls up Mountain Beaver, Yan Can Suck, Room Service Cunning Linguist, Doggy Style, Me Again and….… Shiggy??? What does this lot have in common? Well, they’re all wear- ing shorts of a more interesting variety. So we are asked to vote for the sexiest shorts. The outcome is

not too difficult to predict. When one discounts Shiggy (self evident) and Doggy Style, who is actually wearing a skirt, as well as Yan Can Suck and Cunning Linguist, who are later featured together with

StrapOn in the pajama pants down down, that doesn’t leave too much competition. And man, aren’t those Beaver hugging jeans sexy or what? One other thing that isn’t brought up, but couldn’t escape the diligent spectator’s eye is May sporting a “Happy Camper” shirt. Which is al- most as fitting as Dick Magnet wear-ing advertising for the Betty Ford Clinic.

Way through the circle the new Vice GM is starting to get confused. Black Widow is addressed as Spiderwoman and Me Again turns into Why Me? First calls for demotion are openly voiced. Yep, those are the perils of a public office. All the glamour, but one slip of the tongue and the mob goes for the jugular.

 

Sexiest Man on the Hash

Scheisse also enjoys his moment of glory. A judiciary panel made up of Yan Can Suck, Black Widow, Clueless and Room Service votes him the Sexiest Man on the Hash. But does the man show some gratitude? No? He sternly refuses to take his pants down in the circle. It is also revealed that the reason he didn’t show up to hare this morning is because he lost all his money last night. So, no relieving visits to the barber shop in the next days. A quick call for voluntary services from the female hashdom reaps no response. There you have it: Sexiest man or not. No money, no honey, baby.

Harald (a visiting Hun) and Flicky Micky are doing a new shoe down down. On this occasion we learn that Flicky Micky is into trading. But while everybody and his dog is ex- porting from China, he his actually importing into China. And what? Garbage! Yes, that’s what China is in dire need for. There is definitely a lack of garbage. I have recently

seen a couple of acres of land that were still unspoiled. But maybe he imports quality garbage. Not that low-tech, off-the-mill garbage that China produces herself. At least now we now why Ben is wearing that Hog’s Breath shirt. It’s a trade sample!

We have a couple of other down downs and ‘acquisitions’ before we finally close the circle. Pomms and frogs (rugby), krauts (you never seem to need a particular reason to call them up), Catholics (because their bishops can have it on with the altar boys and get away with it) and hashers sporting school uni- forms. And Me Again shows potential for becoming the new Assistant Hash Cash when she clamors against the excessive waste of beer.

 

Allez les Bleus

18.30h: A bloody good circle ends. Beer is almost finished. Swing low. We pack it in (except the flies).

18.50h: Beer is finished. Pee break and beer stock up. The discussion about the On On is decided in favor of Muslim food.

19.30h: Arrival SanYuanLi. Straight off the bus to the table. Power Puss orders some great food (except the vomitty looking dish). And thanks Allah, it’s not Ramadan, so we can have some beer here.

23.00h: A crowd of hashers and other party animals has gathered at Elephant & Castle for a Shiggy farewell night and to see the Pomms and Frogs battle it out at the rugby.

1.00h: The Pomms are receiving a good whopping and Shiggy is getting drunk as a skunk.

 

Quotes of the day:

“Setting the hash is not that easy.” (Minicock)

“I didn’t know the French were good at rugby” (Squat)

“It’s the hash nose. That’s why it’s called hashing and not running.” (Shiggy)

On On   Caveman

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