Ladies and “Gentlemen” of the Guangzhou Hash,
It comes as no coincidence that the newest James Bond movie, SPECTRE, will be released on the same weekend that another secret agent will be infiltrating mainland China and joining ranks with the Guangzhou Hash.
While the real James Bond is busy driving the new Aston Martin DB10, sipping a shaken martini, “improving relations” with a busty rival agent, and saving the Western world from annihilation (all at the same time), we have our own spy visiting to save the Guangzhou Hash.
With Double-00 and Cum Cannon out of town on Saturday, the Mismanagement decided that a trusted ally….an old stalwart, if you will…was needed to prevent the hares from leading the hash onto a trail with no end and certain death. (“Do you expect me to walk? Nooo, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!”) Thankfully, the Mismanagement got their man and the Guangzhou Hash now has all the great makings of its own Bond film:
Super Smooth Secret Agent: ????????????
Evil Villain Set on Death & Destruction: Triple X-Ray (See: Blofeld)
Henchman With a Badass Way to Kill: Three Inches of Pain (See: Oddjob)
M: Shoeless Ho (See: Judi Dench)
Moneypenny: Thumbleprints (“You never dress like that for me, James…”)
Q: Turtlehead (“Whatever you do, don’t touch that button.”)
Shapely Rival Agent Who Helps Save the Day: Himalaya (“My name is Pussy Galore.” “I must be dreaming…”)
Shapely Innocent Girl Who Screws Bond Early in the Film and Then Dies: Bollyboobs (“Hi, my name’s Plenty, Plenty O’Toole.” “Named after your father perhaps?”)
Goofy Sidekick Who Adds Comic Relief: Tap Dat Ass (See: J.W. Pepper)
Villain’s Hungry Animal That Bond is Fed To: Hunkaspunk (the shark in “The Spy Who Loved Me”)
Gratuitous Midget Henchman: Little Semen (Nick Nack)
Gratuitous Nudity: All the harriettes (well…most of them).
SPECTRE may be the film making hundreds of millions this weekend at the box office, but get yourself to the Guangzhou Hash for the best thing you can see with your 50 kuai on Saturday and uncover our mysterious secret agent. On On!
What: Guangzhou Hash Run #1349
Hares: Triple X-Ray & Three Inches of Pain
Where: Gold Mango Bar – Taojin Metro Exit B
When: Saturday, November 14, 2015 – 1:00 PM
Three Inches of Pain