Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
The Hash a week before the Annual Hash Awards Ceremony is traditionally a highly prestigious one. After all, this is the last chance for any ambitious hare to get nominated for the ‘BEST HASH OF THE YEAR’ award. Unfortunately, prior to last night’s Hash Press Conference the news had already leaked out that the hare razor had received heaps of applications from hashers from all over Greater Guangzhou who all had promised to set an epic run.
Hence, last night the excitement climaxed when the hare razor climbed on top of his bar stool to reveal who’d get the honors. In an instant he achieved what for the GM is more often than not plainly impossible: He made the pack shut up and listen. In fact, it was so quiet that he probably even heard the mumbled intercessions of the contestants. ‘In your infinite wisdom you’ve got to choose me’, or ‘work your mysterious ways and select me’, or the hissed ‘if you don’t pick me I will decapitate a cute Christmas bunny*’.
As expected, the hare razor remained unimpressed by all this. Calmly he explained to his intent listeners, ‘After conducting all the necessary personal interviews with the applicants, their parents, siblings, current and former employers and colleagues, long forgotten classmates and ex-spouses, and after carrying out all the obligatory fitness and fertility tests for hares, required according to paragraphs 69f and 283k of “Stray Dog’s Guidelines for the Zealous Hasher, volume XXVIII”, it is with greatest pleasure to announce the names of next Saturday’s hares. Give a big hand to the Chosen Ones, Yan Can Suck and French Tickler. Hooray!’
For a moment, while still trying to make sense of what they had just heard, no one said a word and only a very careful listener would have noticed how Tony was taking a deep breath. Would his bar resemble Paris in 1789 or maybe even Tehran in 1978 in just a few minutes from now? But when the crowd started to cheer and some ecstatic hashers attempted to carry the appointed hares on their shoulders he finally breathed out and his face showed relief. The Gold Mango Bar was safe from wreckage for another week. Everyone was happy about the decision except for one disappointed contestant. This misfit angrily claimed that it was sheer madness to assign such a vital task to Marie Antoinette’s and Reza Pahlavi’s revenants, have you not learnt anything from history? Fortunately, the young and charming Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department was standing not far away and quickly took care of this incident by sedating him heavily.
The mismanagement cannot promise that this French-Iranian endeavor will succeed in getting nominated for the Hash Awards. After all we aren’t the Oscars. Our winners win because they truly deserve to** and not because it is politically correct to let them!
What we do promise however, is that if you show up this Saturday @ 1.30 at the Mango Bar you will still be able to purchase your own ticket to the Annual Hash Awards Ceremony and Christmas Party on December 15th. You find all the important details about this event in the PS at the end of this mail.
* no animals were killed and no cruelty was done to any animal during or after the Hash Press Conference or during or after the making of this hashvertisement.
** if you are sincerely interested in winning an award place your bid until Wednesday next week by simply replying to this mail. We’ll send you instructions on where to put the envelope. Highest bribe wins!!! Don’t tell anyone.
When: Saturday, December 8, 2012 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
What: The Chosen Ones’ Hash
Who: Yan Can Suck, French Tickler