Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
You know what they say, that you should always try to be a better person than the one you were a year earlier. The same principle applies to the Guangzhou Hash. We are constantly striving to find new and breath-taking trails, give wittier down downs, sing louder and swing lower. But never do we self-reflect more honestly than right after the Awards Ceremony. Traditionally held the week before the winter solstice it marks the end of the hashing season, and the start of an even greater year filled with fun and excitement. Naturally, this will be a very difficult task to achieve after so many fantastic hashes in 2013.
‘There’s a lot at stake for us these days’, explained a senior dicknitary of the Guangzhou Hash during last night’s Hash press conference. ‘Historically, the first trail of the virginal hashing season has always been a strong indicator for what can be expected from the remaining eleven point seven five months. It is therefore crucial that we’ll set the bar particularly high this Saturday. Or, to be blunt, we need nothing less than Another Best Hash Ever. Otherwise, I fear, we’ll first lose momentum and then the whole pack. And in the end not even the bus driver wants to show up anymore, and, frankly, no one could blame* him for that.’
‘Ok, let’s have Another Best Hash Ever then’, agreed the pack, because this is a very easy thing to agree with. But, of course, talk is cheap if it isn’t backed by hard facts, for instance names of prospective hares who are capable – and willing – to set a trail that deserves the label ‘Another Best Hash Ever’.
‘Certainly not that trash over there’, mentioned one insensitive hasher, disapprovingly glancing at a handful of pitiable hares in the freak corner. ‘Look at them, they drivel**, they drool, and they can barely hold up their beer glasses. How could they possibly hare another Best Hash Ever?’
‘Of course they can’t. These pathetic guys are wasted. Let’s dump them and get a bunch of new hares’, the pack cheered.
And they cheered and cheered for the hares-to-be until eventually the young and charming Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department called for attention.
‘As much as these hares disgrace themselves over there in their corner’, she said while one of them demonstrated his version of “Bang Forehead on Table”, ‘you should show some empathy for them. They have a disease, suffering from what we in the pseudo-medical field call a traumatic Hash addiction. Unlike you recreational hashers the regular hares are exposed to that hash stuff not just during the weekend. Some of them do it on a daily basis. After some time of hash abuse they just won’t function without it anymore. Or with it, for that matter. And as you can see, the effect on their behavior is shocki…’
‘Yes, yes, yes’, interrupted the senior dicknitary, impatiently waving away her comment, ‘enough of that touchy-feely talk. Let’s focus on the survival of the GZH3. Who is willing to becum our next savior? Who will ensure the future of the Guangzhou Hash? Which one of you is going to be the hare on Saturday? Anyone?’
And after a while again, more hesitantly now, ‘Anyone? Anyone at all?… C’mon people, there must be someone? I mean, I’d definitely do it but I have a dozen excuses. Well, at least I could cum up with a dozen if you’d push.’
The air at the Mango Bar had becum heavy, and very thick of embarrassment, anyone with a sharp knife could have easily sliced it. Some hashers who tried to keep themselves busy so that they wouldn’t be asked to hare on Saturday had already started to drag the hares out of the bar to dispose of them. Still, no one came forward to save the Hash.
Then, when no one had expected any volunteers anymore, a meek and muffled voice could be heard from the rubbish bin.
‘Can …. do …. Est …. Bash …. Hever …. can do …. no …. problem … do every …. thing … for hash…’
‘No way’, objected Ms. Mi Tuhai when she realized that quite a number of hashers had quickly gotten familiar with the intriguing idea. ‘This is downright irresponsible. I’d rather have any of them in the dumpster than see them hare again.’
But once an idea gets stuck in the collective mind of the GZH3 it’s hard to get it out of there again. And so the crowd started to cheer again, but this time it was for the junkie hares who, by now, were all being dragged back into the Mango Bar. Not even Ms. Mi Tuhai could withstand this wave of pure exaltation. But, being a woman, she of course had to have the last word.
‘Alright then, let him hare again, but only under the condition that he is accompanied by two very fit hashers. The danger of him overdosing is imminent and if he gets a seizure out in the woods we’ll probably wish that we had better left him in the dumpster.’
These sympathetic words sent out another wave of overwhelming affection for the old hares through the Mango Bar, and it wasn’t until long when two hashers rose up and announced to junkie-sit*** the drooling hare.
So cum and witness true compassion.
When: Saturday, December 21, 2013 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Sleeping Beauty, Gorf & 00
*very unlike last Saturday when we in fact could and also did blame the driver for not showing up, or, to be precise, for not showing up on the only day of the year when leaving sharp on time was imperative. Anyway, in the end it all played out in a hollywoodesque fashion. The Hash Cash was able save enough money on transportation to pay for another half keg of imported German Beer at the Wunderbar, and thus keep the drinkers drinking a bit longer last Saturday night. Well done, Thumbleprints!!!
**some claim they heard fragments of an ancient and barbaric German out of that gibberish, but others say that that was Dutch.
***this should not be taken literally, but junkie-walking or junkie-co-haring just don’t sound as good as junkie-sitting.