Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
AS YOU KNOW, a lot of people think I am completely insensitive, but that’s not always true. When last Saturday someone came up to me and told me straight to the face that the GZH3 trails suck, even I noticed a slight whiff of resentment. Of course I immediately ignored it, but last night during the hash press conference at the Mango Bar this resentment eventually made way for a fully-fledged mutiny against the regular hares, when an exorbitantly cocky hasher accused them of being nothing but a bunch of free loaders*.
‘We recently had two trails that very much resembled those used during the Prelube weekend. Why do we let them hare week after week, if they cannot cum up with anything new? Why won’t any other hasher get a chance to show what’s in ‘em?’
‘Exactly my point,’ another angry hasher agreed. ‘I am no longer willing to subsidize their boozing with my 50 kuai. Last week we only had 30% virgin trails, the rest was a recent trail set backwards. How pathetic is that!? I don’t know how they managed to build their haring monopoly** in the first place, but I say let’s crush it once and for all. I am sure we have a lot of candidates with good ideas for trails; suppressed hashers who’d love to scout and hare if only given the opportunity. After all, the Guangzhou Hash is supposed to be a place where everyone is allowed to contribute, and not just a few privileged people, isn’t it? Hells, I would hare myself if my girl friend weren’t menstruating on Saturday again. You know, I am always too grumpy to hare during these couple of weeks.’
This inspirational speech was met with loud cheers from the pack and, naturally, more calls for beer, preferably of the free kind.
‘But, um, …,’ the Harerazor – himself one of the accused regular hares – tried to object.
‘You can stuff your “but, ums…” up wherever they please you most, but, um, get this: You guys are expired. You are just too 2013. We want new trails, and you simply can’t deliver good results anymore.’
‘Alright, I admit defeat,’ the Harerazor gave in. ‘But, um, if it’s not us and not you and not your girl friend, who will be the hare on Saturday?’
The angry hasher looked really annoyed by now. ‘Aren’t you the Harerazor? Do you want me to do this job for you, too?’ After a brief pause which he added added solely for dramatical purpose, he turned to the pack. ’Alright then. So, which one of you fine hashers is going to hare on Saturday?’
Those of you who are familiar with the dynamics of our hash press conferences probably have a pretty good idea of what happens whenever this question is being asked. The pub falls quiet, even the music mysteriously ceases to play, and people begin to inspect the tips of their shoes, or pretend to reply an urgent SMS that requires their full attention. Since many regular participants of the hash press conference anyway consider this moment to be the right one to excuse oneself. The obligatory queue in front of the restroom started to form much faster than usual, and it was also much longer. Everybody at the Gold Mango must have instinctively felt that the stakes were extraordinarily high this time.
The angry hasher then did what intelligent people throughout history have always done in such kind of situations. He appointed volunteers who, for whatever reason, can’t refuse. In this case this was owed to the fact that the hares weren’t present and therefore didn’t have the faintest idea that they had just been awarded the honor to become the new Adam and Eve*** of an entirely new haring culture on the Guangzhou Hash.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash, be there when hash history is written.
When: Saturday, April 26, 2014 @ 1.30PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Hares: Wee Willy & No Pussy
If you want to be part of the rebirth of a proper haring culture on the GZH3, talk to Constipation. He even accepts pre-set trails nowadays, that’s how desperate he is looking for new hares. And don’t you worry, no matter what happens, the good old tradition of Guangzhou hares getting laid will remain an integral part of the new haring culture.
*Actually, this is one of the few true accusations on the GZH3. Up to two hares run for free. On top, the hares can claim back up to 300 RMB for taxi and flour expenses which makes haring an incredibly lucrative endeavor for some. You should try it, too. Our Harerazor Constipation will do his best to reserve a spot for you, for example next week.
**Technically speaking, this term is not quite correct. The angry hasher was referring to five regular hares, which would make it a haring oligarchy rather than a monopoly. No one gave a shiv though.
***As you know, Adam and Eve are known for being the main protagonists of the first reported case in the history of tenancy law. To refresh your memory, they got evicted from their state-of-the-art home in a posh place with the promising name of “The Paradise”. Apparently, the frivolous couple kept an exotic pet, but weren’t capable of containing it in a species-appropriate environment****, aka a terrarium. In the contrary, they even shared their meals with the free-roaming beast (a snake if I am not mistaken) during which all three of them held lengthy philosophical discussions. But that is just hearsay, and, AS YOU KNOW, I despise gossip from the bottom of my heart, and there’s anyway no doubt that these two half-naked***** hippies were permanently high as a kite during their stay at “The Paradise”, or why would they talk to a snake? Why would anyone at all talk to a snake, for gods sakes? It wasn’t even a sheep. And if it had been a sheep, the conversation had never gotten philosophical. It never does with sheep, although I admit that we get our share of Kiwis and Aussies who tend to believe otherwise. However, let’s get back to the story. Eventually Adam and Eve got kicked out of their dream home for somehow messing up in a really creepy way. Therefore several concerned hashers asked me whether I would be so kind as to use a different allegory, because this one might be considered by some as a bad omen for the cuming of the new haring culture! Sorry, but, um, I can’t. I am strictly against censoring my own hashvertisements.
****thus violating various articles of the Protection of Animal Rights Act.