Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Once upon a time in a sleepy little hamlet located on reclaimed land 5M below sea level …there lived a young Dutch maiden with unusually dark and curly hair who dreamed that, one day, she would leave her daily job of holding her finger in a dyke and do what all of her Dutch heroes did before her — join the Guangzhou Hash.
Toiling away in the potato fields and, later, the red light district of Amsterdam, young Emma had heard legendary stories about her countrymen who had left their dreary Dutch lives and achieved the pinnacle of human existence as a Guangzhou hasher…
…Of the heralded Hunkaspunk, whose hash shoes put the “Rot” in Rotterdam; the revered Red Light Strict Dick, who achieved fame as the Dutch Prime Minister’s liaison to sex trade conferences in Dongguan; and most of all, of Constipation, whose vociferous appetite for Asian women has single-handedly fueled Dutch-Chinese trade for the past 30 years…
So little Emma did what all good Dutch daughters learn from their fathers (besides what said Dutch fathers teach their daughters after one too many Amstel Lights) and began saving her money in hopes of buying a plane ticket to Guangzhou. However, sweet innocent Emma also began finding other methods…more Dutch methods (1)…of gathering guilders in order to send herself away to hashing paradise…
Stealing from the Reformed Church’s offering plates, hiring thugs to charge admission at canal bridge crossings, even running a gambling ring at local speed skating events, Emma slowly saved and saved (2) until she had the money to pack her worldly belongings (wooden shoes and a pretty sweet bong) and move from the Amstel to the Pearl…
Emma’s hash potential immediately made an impression on her fellow hashers, but so did her ruthless frugality. Not long after being baptized as “Double Dutch,” the hash cash began to curiously and unpredictably come up missing: restaurant checks went unpaid, beer delivery guys couldn’t be compensated, and even the trusty Hash bus began to break down (3). Ohhhh, the horrors!
However, after some crack detective work and collaboration between the Hash Cash and her fellow Mismanagers, the perpetrator was caught red-handed after Garbage Guts followed a scent of banket and cannabis across Huanshi Donglu…..
Yes, our friendly, innocent little Double Dutch was caught in the Cave Bar with her Dutch co-conspirators; Constipation showering the dancers with the hash cash, Red Light urinating into a drinking vessel on the dance floor, and Hunkaspunk and Double Dutch canoodling amidst a pile of empty German beer cans and brownie crumbs (4).
So, dear hashers of Guangzhou, cum to the Mango Bar on Saturday as the clouds have parted for the second week in a row after the GZH3 Mismanagement has again stamped out corruption and villainy among its ranks (5). Having announced Double Dutch’s banishment late Wednesday night at the Mango Bar GZH3 Press Conference, the Mismanagement has decided to allow Double Dutch one last run with the Best Hash in China before being marooned to the Shanghai H3 (6).
Cum one, cum all to what will most certainly be the best Double Dutch Fuck-Off Hash of all-time!
What: Guangzhou Hash House Harriers Run #1327 – The Double Dutch Fuck-Off Hash.
Hares: False Tail & Three Inches of Pain (America, fuck yeah!)
Where: Gold Mango Bar – Taojin Metro Exit B
When: Saturday, June 13, 2015 – 1:00 PM. Be there or suck at life.
(1) How do the Dutch make copper wire? Just put a penny between two Dutch and let them fight over it.
(2) How do you keep a Dutch occupied? Put him in a round room and tell him there’s a penny in the corner.
(3) Vomit is known to wreck hell on bus transmissions.
(4) If you ain’t Dutch, you ain’t much.
(5) Next stop: Russia and Qatar World Cup bids.
(6) An appropriate location as all of Shanghai’s runs are flat, just like Double Dutch’s………homeland.