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2012

#1166 – The Hollywood Hash

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Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

When:                   July 7, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                 Gold Mango Bar

What:                    Hollywood Hash

Who:                     Constipation and Hunkaspunk

The holiday season has started. To the Guangzhou Hash this does not only mean good news. Some of our most notorious hares are teachers who naturally get the fuck out of Guangzhou as soon as the class room bell has rung for the last time. Other hares have kids in school who now hang out at home 24-7, expecting to get entertained. How could the situation be more dreadful?

I suppose you can imagine the atmosphere during last night’s hash press conference at Willie Warmer’s cozy refuge. When someone from the mismanagement announced that the hash will be cancelled for the summer it nearly caused a mutiny. But when a smart-mouthed hasher mentioned that ‘you can’t manufacture a hare’, the rebellion instantly turned into devastation, and the following silence was truly pitiful. After a few quiet rounds of beer, the young and charming Ms. Mi Tuhai finally rose to speak, and what she had to say eventually saved the day.

‘Hashing does not only shape your body well, it also clears your mind and stabilizes your mental health. Do you have any idea what we hard working people at the Guangzhou Health Department will have to deal with if you take this away from all the addicted hashers for a whole two months? Will you be able to live with the knowledge that you have driven Hundreds into despair, madness and probable suicide? Is really no one here man or woman enough to be the hare on Saturday?’

We were still trying to figure out whether we would have a problem to live with such kind of knowledge, when Guangzhou’s last boy-scout chimed in.

‘Yes,’ Constipation said wholeheartedly, ‘I am man enough to do it’, and pointing at his compatriot, he continued, ‘and Hunkaspunk as my flour bitch will certainly be woman enough to do this with me!’

When Hunkaspunk nodded before anyone had even translated this for him, the deal was done, everybody relieved and the Guangzhou Hash saved for another week. The pack lifted the two hares on their shoulders, praised their genius, and wished them to live for 10,000 years1. Touched by this overwhelming display of affection Hunkaspunk promised that Saturday’s run will be even better than last week’s run. And although he didn’t mention whether he was referring to the first half of last week’s hash (the one without flour), or the second (the one that was then instantly set in virgin territory), the crowd went ballistic to such an extent that it took five strong hashers to stop Ms. Mi Tuhai from calling her colleagues at the emergency unit.

Wow’, are you probably saying right now, ‘what a happy end, just like in Hollywood.2

Yes, for the time being you are right. But that should not lure us into the illusion that all is well. The future remains uncertain. The Hollywood movie ends with the first kiss, but maybe that is just the prelude to a life full of fights and endless arguments 3.

Face it. Constipation and Hunkaspunk have saved the Hash for just one week! Who will step up next? Will it be you?

If you want to be praised as a savior, go out and scout a great trail.

On On,

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1 disclaimer: only under the condition that they are going to set many more great trails

2 or at the barber shop two blocks down the road

3 or the prelude to a life with an incurable venereal disease

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