Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Last night, regular patrons flocking out of The Mango could be overheard mumbling something about Tony attracting the wrong kind of crowd. I admit, hadn’t I known better, I also would have assumed that I had somehow ended up at the Annual Convention of the Clinically Depressed of Guangzhou*. The atmosphere was so pitiful, it was hard to believe that this was supposed to be the hash press conference of Greater China’s best hash.
When Constipation made a halfhearted attempt to find a hare by calling for ‘a true hero’ to emerge, no one had the balls to stand up and say ‘Yes, I’ll take the challenge. I am the bad ass that hares immediately after this Year’s Best Hash Ever, and I will of course dethrone Circle Jerk and Hisham!’
Even Hunkaspunk, last Saturday still a hero himself when he single-handedly chased away severe tropical storm Onur and arranged for sunshine during the run and the circle, joined the other cowards in staring sheepishly down at something only visible to him at the tip of his shoe.
It is in these times of crisis when the Guangzhou Hash develops this rare gift to reinvent itself by simply commemorating our core values and, hence, the stuff that defines us and gives us the amazing power to overcum every imaginable and also unimaginable obstacle: beer. After an accelerated emergency intake of the divine potion the hashers eventually started to think straight again, and to act reasonably. At one point someone even came up with a bright idea.
‘What’, asked this smart mouth, ‘if we’d find someone who hasn’t been to the hash in a while and has no idea what he is up against? Of course, it has to be someone gullible enough to believe that this isn’t just a set-up to save us other hares from a major embarrassment.’
‘Muffdiver, Muffdiver’ chanted everyone at The Mango upon hearing this suggestion, and the call echoed of the walls of the bar into the streets of Guangzhou, towards the coast and across the South China Sea all the way to Australia, where it finally reached Muffdiver. Needless to say, he instantly dropped everything, fetched his passport, a tooth brush and his hash gear, and hopped on the next plane to Guangzhou.
You might be wondering why you should attend a hash whose hare was tricked into a Mission Impossible. Well, let me remind you of what we have learnt from numerous inspiring Hollywood productions. Firstly, impossible missions usually get accomplished. According to the movies I’ve analyzed, the success rate adds up to an astonishing 98%. And secondly, the more pressure you put onto the hero, the more likely it is that he will be triumphant in the end. For the Guangzhou Hash this means that we can expect a trail that will soon only be referred to as the Best Hash Ever in 2013.
When: Saturday, August 24, 2013 @ 1.30 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
Who: Muffdiver feat. his sidekick 00
What: The Accidental Hero Hash
*Last night, Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department handed out the number of a suicide hot line. This was not supposed to happen and the mismanagement apologizes for this gaffe. We strongly recommend to not to listen to the hot liners. They may call themselves professionals but they obviously aren’t very very good at it considering the fact that they can still give advice.