Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
Since it is Thanksgiving the motto of this week’s run naturally has to be ‘The Thanksgiving Hash’. But the mismanagement has decided to continue on its revolutionary path* and decreed Thanksgiving to December 14th, 2013 @ 7.30 PM, when the Guangzhou Hash says thanks to itself by hosting a heavily subsidized party for all of us good hashers. So, thanks to us again and welcome. But that’s not all. In the purest of revolutionary spirits we even deny calling it ‘The Thanksgiving Party’, and call it ‘The Annual Awards Ceremony’ instead**.
We are also doing that because this year’s original Thanksgiving Day didn’t start as what one would describe as thanksgivingly. It was supposed to become a peaceful hash press conference at which hopeful hares were to joyfully compete for the honor to set the highly prestigious last hash of the season***. Instead it got really messy, especially after midnight when the Thanksgiving festivities officially kicked off. Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department was so busy attending to the wounded, she could hardly attend to the free beer that the hash keeps coming for her****.
And then it all started to turn really sour when one thwarted hare suggested foul-play.
‘It’s scandalous. Why does my knee still hurt although I took it easy and spent the last two hashes at the beer stops rather than on the trail?’demanded a very agitated Cum Cannon to know, and continued without waiting for anyone’s reply, ‘And now my co-hare is also complaining about pain in her knees. Is this a coincidence? Well, I don’t believe in coincidences. If you ask me, something is very rotten in the state of Denmark.’
That last remark didn’t go down very well with Pussywhipped, who argued that someone who lived in a glass house shouldn’t throw stones. To which Cum Cannon replied that people in his native home of Syria wouldn’t live in the glass age anymore and were already perfectly capable to make houses of stone.
This childish nonsense went on until a resolute Ms. Mi Tuhai finally curbed the sudden outbreak of violence by drawing the attention to the real scandal.
‘You men always think the world is only revolving around you and your pathetic little problems when in reality it revolves around Daphne and hers. But none of you wannabe gentlemen even bothered to listen to her story or to console her aching knees’, she said, taking her comforting hands off of the source of Daphne’s pain. ‘Everyone in here can learn a lot from her story, so show some hash respect and listen up. Poor Daphne is suffering from a condition that is known in medical circles as crumbly cartilage. A lot of runners still think that if they just drink enough water during the run it can prevent them from catching it. But cartilage is not as frugal as people always claim so airily. It’s picky. It wants more than just boring water, no matter how distilled, otherwise it will eventually go brittle. Daphne ran the Guangzhou Marathon Hash last week instead of the real Guangzhou Hash. She told me that the organizers of the Marathon Hash failed to even set up a single beer stop although the trail was surely long enough to justify at least half a dozen of ‘em, and certainly much longer than she had expected when registering for the damn thing. I think this failure of the Marathon Hash organizers is reckless. Beer is the ideal and, according to science, the only effective cartilage lubricant. Beer stops should therefore always be an essential part of every run. Remember, happy cartilage needs beer! Cheers.’
After this inspiring speech we only had to find another team of hares who are able to set the best hash of 2013, with a medicinal beer stop. And so we did.
Who: Himalaya, Circle Jerk and 00
When: Saturday, November 30, 2013 @ 1PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
What: A Virgin Hash
PS: A lot of people asked ‘And how about the turkey?’ Well, we won’t see the turkey but we will meet his cousin, the cock, and a lot of his playmates.
PPS: The mismanagement of the real Guangzhou Hash would like to emphasize that we aren’t supporting reckless behavior. Not only do we provide beer stops, but also a disclaimer at the bottom of every hashvertisement to keep us safe from legal hassle. Read it.
*which has already blessed us with these darn ever-changing meeting times, and not to forget the extension of the Oktoberfest season until Christmas or, possibly, indefinitely.
** Tickets are available for 200 RMB with Thumbleprints at the Gold Mango Bar on Saturday. Hashers with 500+ runs on the Guangzhou Hash are FREE!!! Yes, the Guangzhou Hash cares for its veterans.
***it is so prestigious because it is the last hash that will be considered for the awards. If you set the best hash of the year already in January or February no one except for you will remember it in December anymore. The collective hash memory has erased it already. Some claim that this strangely coincides with the fun-fact that it’s usually a November hash that wins.
****I suspect that the free beer is the real reason why she is still attending our hash press conference every week. Sometimes I even wonder whether she is a real employee of the Health Department or, for that matter, real at all.