Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,
What I like most about the Awards Ceremony* is the mollifying mix of incorruptibility and professionalism with which the distinguished Awards Committee determines the Best or the Worst Hash of the Year and, for that matter, each of the winners in the 20 something categories.
Having been on the Committee once myself I know how heavy the burden of responsibility weighs around ones neck, after all, many unsuccessful nominees have gone berserk after they’d gotten denied their 15 minutes of fame** and done some very naughty things which are truly beyond description***.
A common complaint of most rejected nominees is that the committee never remembers their runs early into the hashing season, or intertwines the memory of them with other trails so that the ‘Best Hash’ is finally credited to the wrong person rather than to them.
Hashers, this won’t happen! Not on the Guangzhou Hash. The infallible mismanagement team is fully aware of the problem of blurring memories and has already a long time ago introduced memory and objectivity enhancing beer on the hash. Ever since, the committee members have been able to recall each and every of the seven or so runs of 2013. It’s all a question of the right dosage. If applied correctly**** absolutely nothing can slip their attention. Their verdict is therefore always just.
‘Sounds like a lot of bullshit to me’ commented one of the hares upon hearing this during last night’s hash press conference. ‘In my humble opinion it is an outright scandal that the mismanagement won’t consider this run for the upcoming Awards Ceremony anymore. But obviously they are not competent enough to buy the awards, make the design and get it all printed, even though there is still an entire week left. I guess if we really want Saturday’s hash to be remembered in a year from now we have to outshine ourselves once again. We therefore will set an extraordinary trail.’
‘To be precise’ added the other hare with a big smile on his face, ‘the trail will even be muuuuch more ordinary than just extraordinary.’
‘No, it won’t’ objected the first hare, thus dislodging the smirk from his co-hare’s face. ‘There is no such thing. But we will have a beer stop after about a quarter of the trail. That’s when everybody will welcome an ice cold, sparkling refreshment.’
‘No, absolutely not’ disagreed the second hare, ‘we will have the beer stop after three quarters of the trail. That’s when everybody is really craving for it.’
‘Nonsense. That’s so close to the B-point, we wouldn’t need a beer stop at all anymore. No, no, we’ll better keep it early into the run.’
‘Huh’ responded the other hare, ‘is this another of your brilliant ideas such as the one to run from B to A? Now listen carefully, my friend, if…‘
‘Well, it was you who suggested marking every single view point on the trail, wasn’t it? How silly is that? We would be out of flour latest after half of the trail. No living creature is able to carry so much flour onto the mountain to mark every view point.’
‘One could just mark them with a small v maybe, then it might be ok.’
‘Nonsense, nonsense, nothing but nonsense.’
Normally this is the moment when everyone in the Gold Mango Bar is getting excited about the prospect of becoming witness to a good fight. However, yesterday the Gold Mango fell silent instantly and fear could be seen creeping over stools and tables, inevitably taking possession of every living soul present. These days it seems that no one feels overly comfortable in the company of Syrians disagreeing too much with each other.
‘Quick’ said the brightest hasher as soon as he regained the power of speech. ‘Let’s get them a mediator. That always does the trick.’
But that was of course easier said than done. The Americans claimed that they were too busy getting their own shit together, the Frenchies announced they weren’t supporting any mediating activities if these would require the use of a foreign language, and the Germans first had to consult their conscience, see whether it’s ok to support the troubled Syrians. Such sensitive matters are never taken lightly by any German since it is of vital importance that during this process the other Germans have to notice the deep inner conflict that one is going through for the sake of coming up with the morally right decision.
But finally, after the appropriate period of time had passed, and after the obligatory reassuring looks at his compatriots, one brave German hasher came forward and proclaimed ‘Yes, I will do it. I will support them unconditionally, although I should probably mention that I will have to refrain to peace-building measures.’ Upon which a sigh of relief went through the Mango Bar. Peace was once again restored.
Saturday’s run will be a great compromise. First of all this means that the beer stop will be at one of the many breath-taking view points after exactly 50% of the trail. It was further mediated that what was formerly known as the A-point will now be the B-point, while the B-point gets promoted to A-point. However, to serve both hares justice the run will start at the B-point and the circle will be celebrated at the A-point. With regard to the view points none of them will be marked, because there is really no living creature able to carry enough flour up the mountain to mark the 888***** stunning view points. It would be utter nonsense to even try.
When: Saturday, December 7, 2013 @ 1 PM
Where: Gold Mango Bar
What: The 888 View Points Hash
What else: Another 100% Virginal Trail
Hares: Cum Cannon, Circle Jerk and 00 and a Golden Retriever
*Christmas Party and Awards Ceremony at the Wunderbar, December 14 @ 7.30 PM. Tickets are selling out really fast so make sure you get yours. Pay 200 RMB to Thumbleprints on Saturday before the run.
**although, strictly speaking, with the band starting at 10 PM, and the huge number of winners and all the great prizes that the Hash is giving away, we won’t have 15 minutes in the spot light for each winner. That would also be totally boring, and AS YOU KNOW, the Guangzhou Hash defies boredom with all its hearts.
*** If you nevertheless want to get the description you can go to Google and click on one of the links that they list on their webpage. I think it’s called www.unsuccessfulnomineesgoneberserk.com or something like that.
****i.e. in large quantities, otherwise the effect isn’t satisfactory.
*****At least this is what one of the hares claimed last night. The other one strongly disagreed and declared the entire trail one gigantic view point******. The mismanagement wants you to judge for yourselves and then mediate between the two hares. Good Luck with that.
******Which would mean that the hares would have to cover the whole damn mountain in flour.