#1262 – The Civil Rights Hash

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Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

When people ask why I never leave China I usually reply that it’s because over the past decade this country has remained to be one of the last strongholds in the war against the erosion of civil rights and an unprecedented surge in discrimination. Don’t get me wrong, I have not always been opposed to discrimination. Quite in the contrary, at times I’d been very fond of it. Lots of good laughs, indeed. However, I drew the line when I was made the target. That’s where the fun usually ends.

It happened on March 29, 2004 in the early afternoon. My uncorrupted view on discrimination suddenly got turned upside down when a small and otherwise unimportant island nation, which until then was only known to some insiders for their bitter beer and pestering music (and the idiotic fun fact that they got no snakes), decided to ban smoking in all public places. What initially was overwhelmingly perceived as the childish notion of a bunch of degenerate do-gooders – and hence nothing but a flash in the pan – quickly became an epidemic of global proportions bound to rock the very foundations of human civilization. The passing of the dreadful law fed every non-smoking wisenheimer with the illusion of moral superiority and until today it encourages many of them to come along like the Spanish Inquisition whenever having the urge to convert a smoker, or just to go on a rant.

’Quit smoking, or get used to life as a Paria’, is their sick credo that I must have heard more than a hundred times from these troubled minds, while I in return always had the decency not to inquire about their small penis or sandy crotch.

Today the virus of paternalism has infected the entire (!) Western world and taken possession of vast areas of Asia, too, thus further poisoning our societies with cantankerousness, hypocrisy and political correctness.

I fear that by now the ongoing witch hunt has decimated the overall population of smokers to such a small number that they should officially be recognized as an endangered species. If we don’t act now they’ll be extinct next time we check.

The mismanagement in its infinite wisdom has therefore appointed three hares to take part in a ground-breaking experiment. They all represent a different side of the coin: a chain smoker, a non-smoker and an occasional smoker. The idea is that if they’ll manage not to kill or attempt to evangelize one another until they reach the B-point, why should the other humans in the world not be able to follow suit, hence giving smokers a fair chance for survival? And, if on Saturday it turns out that despite their differences the hares cooperate to the extent that they set another Best Hash Ever, well, then this has to be interpreted as a clear sign that both species might even be able to co-exist peacefully and in harmony and for their mutual benefit.

The stakes are high on Saturday, after all it’s about our future. Find out whether it’ll be multi-colored or grey.


When:          Saturday, March 29, 2014 @ 1.30 PM

Where:         Gold Mango Bar

Hares:         Himalaya, Circle Jerk, 00


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