Run #1413: ‘The Fuck-Off 2016 Hash’

Ladies and “Gentlemen” of the Guangzhou Hash,

2016 gave us Brexit, President Trump, ‘Suicide Squad,’ that one trail by Three Inches of Pain, heinous acts of terrorism, No Means No, and an endless list of other tragedies. It also took a number of legends from us; Prince, Bowie, Himalaya, Arnold Palmer, Leonard Cohen, Hello Sailor, Muhammad Ali, Princess Leia, and Double-00*.

Cum Saturday to not only celebrate the official fucking-off of 2016, but also the fucking off of Thumbelprints on Jan. 1 as she returns to Malaysia. We’ve become so liberated that the Hash Cash is leaving that the best caption on the attached photo wins a FREE HASH. Go.

As many of you have likely committed to spending 1000s of RMB on shitty service at overcrowded parties, there will be NO HASH DINNER and the bus will be leaving B-point around 6:30.

*Coincidentally, both Carrie Fisher and Double-00 looked great in a gold bikini in 1983.


What: GZH3 Run #1413: Fuck Off 2016

When: Saturday, December 31st- 1:00PM SHARP! No hash bash means early arrival to Mango – approx. 7:30pm.

Where: Mango Bar – Taojin Metro Exit B

Hares: Thumbelprints & Fill-Her-Up!


To get the ball rolling on hashing in 2017, the Guangzhou Metro Hash makes its 3rd run as we continue the haring education of Seedy Gonzales. Will he learn to cum slowly and lovingly like Turtlehead, or will he prematurely and quickly spray his seed all over Guangzhou like Cum Cannon? 

We’ll see who is able to seduce Seedy with their methods as we run A-to-A from Xiangang Exit D, which is on the new eastern extension of Line 6. Follow the flour from Exit D to find the A-Point restaurant a short walk away. Dinner/beer will be divided equally.


What: GZMetroHash #3: The Sexual Education of Seedy

When: Monday, January 2nd – Meet at 1PM, On On at 1:30PM

Where: Xiangang Metro Exit D (Line 6) (Follow flour to A)

Hares: Cum Cannon, Turtlehead, & Seedy Gonzalez


On On!

-Three Inches of Pain

Run #1412 ‘The ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas Hash’

Ladies and “Gentlemen” of the Guangzhou Hash,

Turtlehead claims that he has found a pandora’s box of trails that he plans to give to you tomorrow for the GZH3 Christmas Eve hash. Not only that, you might be able to find yourself enjoying a nice turkey dinner for Christmas Eve if the hares are in a giving mood. Hopefully it will be a better gift than the empty bottle of Miller High Life that was hurled at Turtlehead’s noggin on Christmas Eve in 1998.

Triple XXX-Ray joins him as sugar plum fairies dance in his head*. As you may have seen in the Hash Awards presentation, this week’s co-hare has a little more muscle in one arm than the other, so my advice to you is to turn right at every check.

On On tomorrow for what will surely be the best Christmas Eve hash in years!

*Sugar plum fairies rubbing each other with oil.

What: GZH3 Run #1412: ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

When: Saturday, December 24th- 1:00PM SHARP!

Where: Mango Bar – Taojin Metro Exit B

Hares: T2: Turtlehead & Triple XXX-Ray

On On!

-Three Inches of Pain

#1407 – The Couple of the Year Hash

Ladies and “Gentlemen” of the Guangzhou Hash,

This weekend’s hash features the GZH3’s newest power haring couple, the duo of Hunkaspunk & Hippie Hunter (H3). With such a string of recent trails set together, this GM is beginning to wonder if H3 isn’t trying to claim the “Couple of the Year” award for themselves at the upcumming Hash Awards & Christmas Party (see below). 

This recent development makes that decision a little more difficult, as I was already scratching my head about which couple to choose. The final five candidates were already decided…

Forget-Me-Twat & Lost Sausage

Scratch-N-Sniff & Itchy Britches

Cum Cannon & Itchy Britches

Triple XXX-Ray & Triple XXX-Ray’s right hand

Red Rocket & Just Naomi

With the addition of a sixth couple vying for “Mom & Pop of the Guangzhou Hash,” this weekend’s trail will go a long way in deciding who is the sexiest, strongest, fastest, best-drinking pair of hashers in the land. Cum Saturday for what promises to be another “Best Hash Ever” by the H3 Boys!!!


What: GZH3 Run #1407: The Couple of the Year Hash

When: Saturday, November 19th- 1:00PM Sharp!

Where: Mango Bar – Taojin Metro Exit B

Hares: Hunkaspunk & Hippie Hunter


On On!

-Three Inches of Pain

#1380 & 1381 Angry Dragon’s and Double-00-Dirk’s Fuck-Off Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash, 

As Cum Cannon arrives into New York Harbor aboard a syphilis-ridden ship filled with rotting potatoes and Italians shooting dice, he’ll pass by that iconic symbol of the American Dream and Americans’ ever-welcoming attitude toward refugees. He’ll read the famous inscription that millions of alcoholics, army cannon fodder, and jihadists have read before him. He’ll read to himself with a smile on his face and a tear in his eye, “Give me your poor (Yes, that’s CC. Fucking Chinese economy), Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free (Finally free of Guangzhou’s PM2.5 level of 138, heading to NYC’s PM2.5 level of 131), The wretched(Excellent adjective to use in connection with CC) of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me (Send some good beer while you’re at it, too), I lift my lamp beside the golden door (Tramps and whores? Yes!).” We wish Cum Cannon only the best in whatever lies ahead (Sounds like, sounds like…). Let’s fuck him off properly on Saturday.

While CC seeks new shores and a plethora of freedoms that make all other nations communist red with envy, Double-00 looks to expand his geographical footprint across China in true German fashion. Hong Kong became too crowded, Shanghai became too trendy, and now Cantonese food has became too bland for our Dearly Departing Uberhashmeister. In search of a little Lebensraum (or “Living Space” as a certain political party marketed it to their people in the 1930s…) and better food, Double-00 and his spicy sidekick Angry Dragon are fucking (off to Hunan). Speaking at his final GZH3 press conference (sponsored by Mango Bar), Double-00 took to the microphone in a fiery diatribe, “Ve’re going to march into Yingde and ve’re going to schtrike! Ve’re going to check ze checks! Ve’re going to blitz ze mountains! And zen ve’re going to Changsha! VE’RE GOING TO….TO….ummmm, excuse me ladies und gentlemen I have a phone call. Yes honey? Vhat? Really? Oh I see. But honey…but….okay. Yes dear. Yes dear. Mmhmm, I love you too. Um, ladies und gentlemen of ze Guangzhou Hash, ze Yingde Fuckoff Weekend has been postponed again. I vill see you all in June for ze best fuckoff weekend ever!”

Luckily the Yingde Fuckoff weekend WILL remain as “originally” planned despite Angry Dragon’s pedicure appointment. We meet early at 10:30am on Saturday at the Mango Bar, and you should note these particular pieces of information:

1. Early departure! Arrive at 10:30am!

2. Bring a lunch for the bus on Saturday. Better yet, bring some to share.

3. Bring two pairs of shoes if possible. Things might get a little dirty on Saturday….

4. Bring your passport for hotel check-in.

5. Return to Mango Bar sometime in the early evening on Sunday night.

6. Saturday: 10:30am!

What: GZH3 Runs #1380 & 1381: The Double-00, Angry Dragon, & Cum Cannon Fuckoff Weekend in Yingde


When: Saturday & Sunday, May 28th-29th. Meet at  10:30AM!

Where: Mango Bar – Taojin Metro Exit B

Hares: Double-00, Three Inches of Pain, Cum Cannon, & Hello Sailor!
How Much? 350RMB includes transportation, t-shirt, 2 trails, Saturday dinner, hotel, Sunday lunch, and most importantly – BEER!
There is ONE spot available on the bus as of Noon on Thursday. Get yourself registered through me, Double-00, Womb Raider, or Thumbelprints!
On On at 10:30am for the greatest fuckoff hash of all-time this weekend!
-Three Inches of Pain
PS. 10:30am