Run #1519: ‘The Still Hungover Hash’

Ladies and “gentlemen” of the Guangzhou hash,

The Christmas party is but a drunken blur of revelry and sleazy trysts in dark corners and the dark, cold times of having to actually go to work have hardened the hares hearts against even the thought of a well-scouted trail. Pornstache, being the spry young man that he is, held up a middle finger to the mountain and said, “fuck it” after a grand total of 2.3km of scouting. On the one day Forget-Me-Twat had free to scout she somehow wandered into a hot pot restaurant and didn’t wander out until 5 in the evening. We don’t know how this happened, but it seems to happen a lot.

Fortunately, to make up for this overt lack of preparation, Pornstache and FMT have somehow found a willing virgin-ish(hare) sacrifice to throw on the midwinters bonfire. Just Yuze joins the hares to bring a bit of virginity to what could be a slightly less than virgin trail.

Cum Saturday and bask in joys of a 27 degree December where we don’t actually need a bonfire and the fact that we all don’t have to work on Saturday.

On On!
-The Hares

What: GZHash #1519: The Still Hungover Hash
Hares: Pornstache & Forget-Me-Twat& Just Yuze
When: 13:00 on Saturday December 22
Where: Mango Bar Taojin Exit B (Line 5) 
Cost: 0 – 6 yo free, 7 – 12 yo 65RMB and 13+ 130 RMB cash or WeChat for bus, run, drinks, and dinner.
Bring: Change of clothes, shoes and a virgin

Run #1518: ‘The Anticipated Reward Hash’

Ladies and “Gentlemen” of the Guangzhou Hash,

The Grandmaster enlisted this week’s hares with the task of warming up and stimulating the hashers for the big event on Saturday night. When the hares didn’t understand what he was talking about, Hunkaspunk drew an analogy between Saturday’s trail and the foreplay one engages in before sex. Unfortunately, the hares STILL didn’t know what the GM was talking about and asked for an example. Hunkaspunk explained to the lads that a real man takes the time to physically, mentally, and emotionally arouse his partner before introducing her to the Hunkajunk. “Ahhhhhh,” said the hares, as it became clear to them what the GM was asking them to do:

“Keep it short, simple, and get ‘em drunk.”

With this newfound wisdom, the hares have prepared a trail to stimulate all your hashing senses before the 2018 Christmas Party & Annual Awards. We’ll head to Baiyun, have a quick view of the sights, say hello to 2000 of our best friends on the mountain, and lube up our drinking muscles with a few congratulatory beers for this week’s best trail ever! Bus returns to Mango after a short circle so everyone can put on pretty clothes and mask their hideousness for the party.
On On!

-The Hares

What: GZHash #1518: The Anticipated Reward Hash
Hares: Three Inches Of Pain & Count von Cunt 
When: 13:00 on Saturday December 15
Where: Mango Bar Taojin Exit B (Line 5) 
Cost: 0 – 6 yo free, 7 – 12 yo 35 RMB and 13+ 70 RMB cash or WeChat for bus, run and drinks.
Bring: Change of clothes, shoes and a virgin

Run #1517: ‘The virgin not virgin pre-anal hash’

Ladies & “Gentlemen”of the Guangzhou Hash,

Days are getting shorter for running trails and evenings are getting longer for drinking beer. It must almost be time for our Annual Party! That special time of year when Three Inches Of Pain leaves his Daisy Dukes at home, Smegma gets out his pipe, and the GM shaves his beard for the last time until a Mango Bar rat sees his shadow. This year’s party will be held in one of the greatest Moroccan restaurants in town, La Medina. So, send your money to the hash cash soon, because space is very limited! More info below.

Our fine traditions prescribe that awards be given out on the Anal event, coveted by all “serious” hashers like Hunkaspunk. After setting himself the strenuous task of making haring look easy and doable for everybody, this Saturday it’s ON! Still in the race for “Best Hash of the Year,” he teamed up with the Dutch Delight from Samarang, Bend Over, for some very virgin Maofengshan trails. Much like the TITular character in the 90s film “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” is given a fountain of youth and new lease on life by a muscular Jamaican islander, Hunkaspunk’s haring abilities have been rejuvenated by the supple and rugged Dutch Delight from Samarang – Bend Over.
Directly after a circle suspected to be full of glowing reviews of the trail and many congratulatory beers for the hares, the bash will be prepared at one of the less-frequented Maofengshan haunts.

Get your lazy ass out of bed

Onon

Bend Over & Hunkaspunk

What: GZHash #1517: The virgin not virgin pre-anal hash
Hares: Bend Over & Hunkaspunk
When: 13:00 on Saturday December 8
Where: Mango Bar Taojin Exit B (Line 5) 
Cost: 0 – 6 yo free, 7 – 12 yo 65 RMB and 13+ 130 RMB cash or WeChat for bus, run, drinks and dinner.
Bring: Change of clothes, shoes, a virgin and rose petals to shower the hares

Run #1513: ‘The Horse’s Ass Hash’

What: GZH3# 1513: The Horse’s Ass Hash
Hares: Three Inches of Pain & Count von Cunt
When: 13:00 on Saturday Nov 10th
Where: Mango Bar Taojin Exit B (Line 5) 
Cost: 0 – 6 yo free, 7 – 12 yo 65 RMB and 13+ 130 RMB cash or WeChat for bus, run, drinks and dinner.
Bring: Change of clothes, shoes and a Virgin

Run # 1514: ‘The everything-is-on-fire-but-it’s-fine Hash’

Ladies and gentlemen of the Guangzhou hash,

As you know the world has been going to hell in a handbasket recently…

… and Just Taylor has had enough. The shit she’s been dealing with has led her to the realization that life is not fair. It took her 26 years to learn it but she’s finally absorbed the meaningless fact that life as a human being is rather unfair. (Hiking club as you might imagine has been aware of this unfairness for some time and as a rule sets her expectations low).

It was with this anger and disillusionment that Just Taylor went haring for the first time.
“It’s too easy,” complained Taylor, as they bushwhacked up a hill, “life’s not easy, let’s make this harder.”
“Ummm ok,” said hiking club as she fell in a thorn bush.

“What IS this? It’s too freaking easy,” growled Taylor as they completed a 2 km uphill climb.
“Ummm ok,” said hiking club as she tripped over a root.

“Goddamnit! I think we need to scout again and find a harder trail,” nagged Taylor, as they pushed their way through Mandarin trees.
“Ummm ok,” said hiking club as she received the benediction of a spiderweb full in the face

Cum Saturday to see what Hiking Club and Taylor found to inflict on their fellow masochists

What: GZH3# 1514: The everything-is-on-fire-but-it’s-fine Hash
Hares: Just Taylor & Hiking Club
When: 13:00 on Saturday Nov 10th
Where: Mango Bar Taojin Exit B (Line 5) 
Cost: 0 – 6 yo free, 7 – 12 yo 65 RMB and 13+ 130 RMB cash or WeChat for bus, run, drinks and dinner.
Bring: Change of clothes, shoes and a Virgin

Run #1511 ‘The Boring Uninteresting Uninspired Hash’

I’m tired of writing epic hashvertisments that end up as toilet reading for dyspeptic hashers to peruse while flipping between memes and various suspect news sources.

-Hiking Club

There is a hash this weekend. Cum.

-Hickey Ho

What: GZH3 #1511 The Boring Uninteresting Uninspired Hash
Hares: Hiking Club & Hickey Ho
When: 13:00 on Saturday October 27
Where: Mango Bar Taojin Exit B (Line 5) 
Cost: 0 – 6 yo free, 7 – 12 yo 65 RMB and 13+ 130 RMB cash or WeChat for bus, run, drinks and dinner.
Bring: Change of clothes, shoes and bathing suit 

Run #1510: ‘The Lying Virgin trail’

As you know, this week’s hares include two virgin hares and Hiking club. Our three hares were talking one night and found that while their first times were all of considerable length, the softness was unexpected.

This week’s trail promises to be long and soft much like a Friday night after too much whisky. If you were expecting bushwhacking, bugs, and steep technical inclines (all things definitive of hiking club trails and hiking club in general) you’ll find yourself as disappointed as a virgin who has watched too much porn. 

What: GZH3 #1510: The Lying Virgin trail
Hares: Hikingclub & VIRGIN HARES Cock Block and Bend Over
When: 13:00 on Saturday October 20
Where: Mango Bar Taojin Exit B (Line 5) 
Cost: 0 – 6 yo free, 7 – 12 yo 65 RMB and 13+ 130 RMB cash or WeChat for bus, run, drinks and dinner.
Bring: Change of clothes, trail shoes, 130 rmb & snacks

Run #1509: ‘The Red Dress Run 2018’

Back when this writer was just a confused lad trying on his mother’s heels, lipstick, and ABBA records, the origins of the Red Dress Run were taking shape in a land far, far away…

A young lady was once visiting San Diego and was told by her friend that she’d be meeting some friends after her arrival, so she smartly donned a chic red dress and stilettos for the occasion. Little did she know that she would be attending her first Hash, and her attire elicited a few laughs and sneers from the local half-minds. But after it was decided that she might “sit in the truck” and go to B point, the woman decided to “fuck ‘em” and go in her dress and heels, anyway. So impressed were the hashers that they raised funds for her return journey the following year, only for the famous (infamous?) Lady in Red (may she Hash in peace) to agree on the condition that all funds go to a local charity*.

Thus, the Red Dress Run was born.

Many years later, thousands of Red Dress Runs later, and tens of millions of dollars raised for charity later…. the Guangzhou Hash continues the great hashing tradition of the Run this Saturday. Satisfy the many urges that have been longing in your heart; going out in drag, giving to charity, and experiencing Crackers’ virgin haring! That’s right, your humble** narrator will have flour in one hand and Crackers’ leather leash in the other as we criss-cross the happy hashing hills of Guangzhou laying the best Red Dress trail ever with not one, but TWO beer stops!

Don’t forget! The Red Dress auction features items for sale to the highest bidder. Bring your own item to auction and/or bid on something else! Special thanks to Social & Co, Bandidos Mexican Grill, ATOC, 13 Factories and many hashers for their donations to the cause***!

*Find more info about the history of the Red Dress Run
**Sounds like, sounds like…
***Womb Raider is for sale! 3,000/per or 5,000 for the pair!

On On!
Three Inches of Pain

Grab your wig and wax your thighs – the locals they’ll avert their eyes,
Chubby gweilos cross the stream – holy shit it’s not a dream…
On and On the Red Dress goes – clad in scarlet run the hoes,
Orphans don’t get schooled for free – bring your fucking renminbi!

What: GZH3 #1509: The Red Dress Run 2018
Hares: Three Inches of Pain & VIRGIN HARE Crackers
When: 13:00 on Saturday October 13
Where: Mango Bar Taojin Exit B (Line 5)
Cost: 0 – 6 yo free, 7 – 12 yo 65 RMB and 13+ 130 RMB cash or WeChat for bus, run, drinks and dinner. + shitloads of cash for charity.
Bring: Red dress, change of clothes, shoes and cash!

Run #1508: ‘The 3 generations of degeneration hash’

Ladies and “gentlemen’ of the Guangzhou Hash House Harriers,

Cum and join tomorrow’s hash for a truly unique event. Let just Nila and her flour bitches guide your way through the sunny and gentle rolling hills of Maofengshan. After a enjoyable and refreshing walk you have the last chance for this year to dip your balls and/or other parts into one of the hash’s favourite pools.

During the circle there will be plenty of opportunity to congratulate your fearless leader Hunkaspunk on keeping just Nila alive for a whole tour of 940 million km around our sun. Talk about long and hard! Any Bretts that love beer (do you like beer?) will be amply satisfied.

Cum, walk swim, drink, eat and drink, drink, drink,

Onon

Just Nila, Just Hubertine & Hunkaspunk

What: Run #1508: The 3 generations of degeneration hash
Hares: Just Nila, Just Hubertine & Hunkaspunk
When: 13:00 on Saturday October 6
Where: Mango Bar Taojin Exit B (Line 5)
Cost: 0 – 6 yo free, 7 – 12 yo 65 RMB and 13+ 130 RMB cash or WeChat for bus, run, drinks and dinner.
Bring: Change of clothes, shoes and bathing suit

GZH3 Run #1506: The Procrastination Hash

Ladies and “Gentlemen” of the Guangzhou Hash,

School is just starting and you know what that means! Its time for Hiking Club to start avoiding class by spending days in the mountains with no phone service. Unfortunately, Womb Raider, being the paid researcher that she is, doesn’t have time for that shit.

They decided they had no recourse, but to do the University of Phoenix course in scouting– online, of course. They pulled up their six different scouting apps, cracked a book open (unfortunately, it was one of Hiking Clubs bodice rippers so that was no help) and listened to lectures given by the best culinary professors in Guangzhou. In the way of all brilliant academic manuscripts, this Saturdays trail will be frantically thrown together last minute, in an over-night/early morning bout of hastily written bullshit. Cum Saturday and find out what excellent procrastinators Womb Raider and Hiking club have become.

Onon
– Hiking Club & Womb Raider

What: GZH3 Run #1506: The Procrastination Hash
Hares: Hiking Club & Womb Raider
When: 13:00 on Saturday September 15
Where: Mango Bar Taojin Exit B (Line 5)
Cost: 0 – 6 yo free, 7 – 12 yo 65 RMB and 13+ 130 RMB cash or WeChat for bus, run, drinks and dinner.
Bring: Change of clothes, shoes and bathing suit